Did that really just happen?

So your spouse just informed you that they are leaving and/or they want a divorce.  What now?  Did that really just happen?  I had no clue!  What do I do know?  What's going to happen to me?

Sound familiar?  Words I asked or said to myself a dozen times during the moments that those words were spouting out of my husbands mouth.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  In a flash my world had gone from perfect to pointless.  Or so it seemed at the time.

There are times in life we can never prepare ourselves for and this is one of those times.  Whether you knew something was coming, or it hit you sideways like a Mack Truck... the pain is the same none the less.  There is no greater pain than losing someone you love.  Feelings of anxiety, anger, depression, disbelief, fear and doubt are just a few that you will use to describe the situation over the next couple of months, while trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  BUT, let me stop you right there.  While I do feel that we must go through the stages of grieving to fully heal from this kind of loss, we must not let our emotions take over.

A friend of mine always tells me not to trust my "feelings" and no I don't mean my gut feelings, but rather my emotions.  Yes we are to grieve when we lose someone we loved so dearly... but only for a time.  We have to mentally choose to take the "higher road" so to speak when the enemy tries to fill our  minds with lies.  And believe you me, he will try his hardest to destroy you during this time.  He has you just where he wants you.  However, we have a God who is bigger, better and brighter than that of the peon Satan.

For those of you who know renowned Christian author/speaker Joyce Meyer, a book you must make yourself read is "The Battlefield of the Mind".  We have to consciously decide to take captive of our thoughts and ask Christ to transform our mind to His likeness.  In her book Joyce teaches how to deal with the thousands of thoughts that people think every day, and instead teaches us how to focus on the way God thinks.   It's a powerful lesson in renewing our minds... but it takes some getting used to.  It is human nature to automatically focus on the negative first... why is that?  With Christ living within us, we have the power to overcome anything.  With God all things are possible, and while it may not seem so right now, this too shall pass.

So did that really just happen?  Yes my lovely brothers and sisters, it happens every day.  Instead of looking for the why, or a person to blame, look to Christ and the life changing power that He alone holds.  Don't blame yourself for something you "might" have contributed to the failing of the marriage, as that is now in the past, all you can do now is move forward.  The reality is no one likes divorce, and I am sure that it absolutely breaks the heart of God.  However, it has happened and it's now your reality.

Although there seems to be no peace in your life at the moment, invite Christ in and allow Him to heal the hurts of your heart.  Stand up and face this new journey in your life for what it is... a new journey.  Allow the God of peace and love flood your spirit with His presence, you will become a new creation.  And you might just ask yourself... "Did that just really happen?"

Has Anger Got You Seeing Red??

So you think you are over it (the separation, the divorce and/or the ex) when out of the blue (or should I say red) anger rears its ugly head.  You are mad, frustrated and undoubtedly upset.  You are not alone, I sometimes find myself there as well.  Some of the time I am not even sure what I am really upset about.  However, the anger rises up like a Phoenix, wanting to just break free from the thoughts in my mind, transforming itself into words actually coming out of my mouth.  I have to take my thoughts captive and lay them before the Lord if I plan on making it through the day without biting someones head off.  I have peace only after I have stopped and taken the time to ask the Lord to help me make it through those moments,

Taking captive of your thoughts isn't always as easy as it sounds.  I mean don't we have the right to be upset?  To be angry that our happily ever after isn't forever after all?  Shouldn't we be allowed to be angry and hurt and wallow in our own self pity?  Well my first answer to you is yes... but only for a time.  We all know Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief, Anger being one of them.  To fully and completely heal, I believe we must go through each of those stages.  Though our sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!!  And praise His name for it!

When we allow ourselves to focus on the things that we "did wrong" or "didn't" do to make our marriage work, we can drive ourselves crazy.  In some cases, as in mine, there was nothing I could do or say to make my husband stay.  If someone doesn't love you enough to stick around, there is nothing you can do or say that can ever make them change their mind.  In most cases they have already made up their mind.  When we allow ourselves to focus on the bad that has gone on in our lives, it is no wonder we are angry.  We are angry at the world, at ourselves, our friends and yes... even God.  How could He allow this to happen?

Anger is a tricky beast because it can cause so many emotions within us that sometimes we didn't even know existed.  We think differently when we are angry, we act differently and even say things we wouldn't normally  say when we allow anger to take over.  And if any of you are like me, you end up feeling guilty afterwards for feeling that way in the first place.  It can set you on a spin cycle of depression.

Have you really sat down and faced the anger within you?  Have you asked yourself what is really going on deeper inside?  Have you talked to God about this?  Have you brought this situation before Him and laid them at His feet?  If you do, you will not regret it.  Cast your cares upon Him, for He careth for you!!  My prayer for each of you is this... it may sound so cliche, but here goes... Learn to let go, and let God!

Pastor Dana-Renee

What is Love??

So it's that time of year again... Valentine's Day.  Ugghh!  Chocolates, roses, romance and diamonds.  We are rarely reminded as blatantly as we are on Valentine's that we are utterly alone.  It's commercialism at its best.  We are taught from childhood that the size of your gift on Valentine's determines how much your spouse really loves you.  Isn't that right ladies?  Lol.  Well pooey on that...is all I have to say ... well maybe I have a bit more to say.  Lol.  

Coined as the most romantic day of the year it goes without saying that it truly must be... lol.  Many this Valentine's Day will spend it depressed and alone.  Heart broken that they have no one special to share it with.  Pull  up your socks friends... it's only a day, and only a small 24 hour window out of a year filled with other even more memorable days.

According to the association for single people (is there really an association for this stuff??... Lol) 82 million people are unmarried as of 2010 in the USA. In Canada our 2006 census noted that since the first time since 1871 single family homes outnumbered wedded ones.  That's 51.5% of Canadian homes considered to be single family.  So if you think you are all alone this Valentine's... you aren't the only ones.

If you are looking, there are many sites out there offering tips to help you get through this holiday without too much bruising to that little heart of yours.  Many tout tips to help you "survive" the day, and others will claim to help you speedily get over your ex by following a few simple steps.  This article however, is not one of those sites.

Sure I can tell you to send flowers to your office from yourself, or should I say "secret admirer"?  Take a spa day, a bubble bath, or pin your ex's photo to a dart board.  Take your pick.  They won't get to the root of the problem.  When was the last time you perused the pages of 1 Corinthians 13?  You are pining for love, but do you even really know what love is?  Let's take a look.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails" (v. 4-7).  

Wow, now that is a couple of verses packed with some punch!  Read them again and let each of the words sink deep into your heart and soul.  Love is from God, it is honest and pure.  It can be about agape (sacrificial love), phileo (brotherly love) or eros (passionate love).  Which ever one you are talking about, they all come from our Heavenly Father.

Verse 13 goes on to say that "and now these three remain; faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love".  

Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love"... "husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" (v. 5:25).

1 John 3:16-18  "This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.  If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity in him, how can the love of God be in him?  Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth."

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall have eternal life".

Are we capable of loving another as Christ has asked us to love?  Do we love our neighbours as much as we love ourselves?  Can we love our spouse as Christ loved the church that He died for her?  Perhaps these are some of the questions we should be asking ourselves this Valentine's Day instead of "Dear God, why am I still feeling so heart broken and alone?"

Realize that Valentine's Day is just that... a day, just like any other.  Just because you might be spending it without that special someone, it in no way diminishes who you are as a person or makes you any less desirable.  You must first be comfortable in your own skin and accept yourself for who you are all by yourself.  Learn to love yourself... it's one of the greatest loves of all.  However, as long as you have the Love of your Heavenly Father, you will never be truly alone.

Circle of Friends

So, when going through the tough times in life, it's certainly a blessing to know that we have friends and family out there to lean on.  In my case, it's more friends as most of my family has not experienced divorce.  However, through such programs as DivorceCare and a few others, I have a great circle of friends that I would like to introduce you to.

The first is a gent I went to Bible College with.  He writes a blog on Divorce in a Face Book Age, and has posted a recent article interviewing hosts of a DivorceCare group.  The link to Dwayne's blog is: 
http://dwaynejamieson.com

Another really great friend of mine, Ken North has agreed to allow me to post something on his behalf.  I pray this blesses you all, and stay tuned, because Ken plans on creating his own blog some time soon!!

What, my marriage is over??   Thank you!

How fortunate we are in the western world to avoid pain.  No, not all of us have had that privilege in our lives, but for so many of us, pain is foreign.  Yet in most of the world, pain is a common occurrence.  Unfortunately we do ourselves a disservice running from pain.  It is so new to most of us that we use what ever emotional escapism to run the other way;  alcohol, drugs, sex, quick new relationships, relocating, suicide, and many others.  It is all escapism.  Fleshly emotional coping mechanisms rather that running to Christ.

Utter devastation best describes the place I was at when I discovered the woman I passionately loved chose to leave our marriage.  This past year and a half or so have dealt me pain like I have never experienced.  Lows that I never want to experienced again, and wouldn't wish on anyone.  Yet Jesus has blessed my with so much, one being this huge truth ... be thankful.  The night I discovered my marriage was over, I found myself pacing an empty parking lot in town with tears flowing like never before.  Yet deep in me I had been given this truth of thankfulness, and I verbally said "thank you Jesus" over and over again.  Did I feel thankful?  No.  But I was, and yet not understanding it at all.

Christ has brought me this crucial scripture.  Romans 8:28 which says "all things work for good for those who love Him"  Although some may find this amusing, the plain truth of the matter is I had the Oxford Dictionary on my beside table and on more than one occasion looked up the simple word 'all'.

Lets face it, there is not a lot of wiggle room in 'all'.  So, yes, 'all' included my personal pain through the act of my marriage collapsing.  So tell me,  how can I possibly answer you upon the so often asked question "how are you doing?"    The plain fact of anyone walking in Jesus, is that we are doing 'good', if not great.  That is the absolute truth.  I am not responding to my emotions, because quite frankly I 'feel' tough.  Some hours more tough than words can describe. But that does not deny the truth that I am doing good.  Why?  Because 'all things work for good for those who love Christ".  And I do,  I do love Christ, and therefore my marital collapse to the woman I loved so much, is working for good! Christ IS my life, and I live from that.  Am I not being real by telling you that I am going great?  Absolutely not!  The fact is, my emotions DO NOT give me my identity, they are just how I respond  to what is going in my head.  Christ is my identity, first and for most.

There are two very important lies which must be pointed out.  First of all, divorce is not something God wants, actually the very opposite.  He hates it. But Romans 8:28 does not say 'all things are good', no, it clearly says 'all things work for good'.  My heavenly father did not orchestrate this divorce, this is a result of sin, mine and hers.  We both are accountable.  But just because God did not orchestrate this does not deny that he won't use this tragedy for His glory and for His Grace.

Secondly, and this lie is deceptive.  So many have said to me how great it is that I can see some good come out of this.  Quite frankly that is a load of ... you know what.  Why?  Because if I buy into the lie that there is something good that comes out of this then the converse of this is that there is also much bad that comes out of this.  Let's look at Romans 8:28. 'all things work for good, ...."  The plain fact is that my divorce is working for good, period.  I accept my pain, I accept how crazy hard my life is, but I will never ever deny my Christ and the plain fact that through all these emotions, my divorce is working for good, for I love Christ.  But what about my kids??  Look at all the things they are hurt by and will forever bear the emotional scar in their lives of our separating ways.  Yes this is true, but it is not a bad thing.  Absolutely not., because they too know Christ and love Him,  therefore this divorce of their parents is working for good in their lives as well.  It just doesn't 'feel' good to look at it this way.  But I am not talking about how we feel about this, only about the facts that our Father teaches us.

On another note I have been told it is great that I look at this part of my life with the glass half full, or that it is great that I am so positive, or that I am taking the high road.  Again the cold truth of the matter is that all those statements are not of Jesus.  All those statements place the responsibility on me, that there is something that I am doing.  The only thing that I am doing is 'abiding' in Christ, and responding to His Grace. The fact of the matter is that I am in Jesus and He is in me, and I am only looking at my life through the Holy Spirit.  This is His strength, and His love that is seen by others regardless of how they word it.

We celebrate birthdays, we celebrate graduations, we celebrate anniversaries, all the outward seemingly 'good' things in life, but we don't celebrate the hardship we experience.  I think we have this all wrong.  Why not celebrate it.  The day my separation agreement was finalised I shed many a tear.  But I also went out grabbed a couple of coffees and, although maybe surprising to some, bought some cake.  I hung out with my buddy Mike and celebrated by eating cake.  Did it feel like a celebration?  Of course not, but how could I possibly not say 'thank you' to Christ for this occasion, after all He was working this for good.

As I leave you contemplating what Christ has shown me, let me leave you with another powerful verse.  First Thessalonians 5:16 tells us to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  I'm sorry, what was that word again?   Yes, reads 'all', ans in all circumstances.

Ephesians 5:20  Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-9  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So having a great circle of friends is a must during this trying time.  People who know what you are going through and who can be there to lend an ear is a tremendous blessing.  Even though you may feel like shutting people out at this time... please don't.  Friends and family can be your greatest joy during this time of sorrow!  Blessings to you all and stay tuned for my next posting.

Pastor Dana-Renee

What to do for New Years Eve??

If right now you are wondering what on earth you are gonna do this New Years Eve... you are not alone.  I have been contemplating that for a couple of weeks now.  No... not because I am afraid to get "out there" again, but for another far greater reason "should I?"
. 

So your friends have told you that it's one of the best nights of the year.  To them I reply, "for who?".  Lol.  No just kidding.  NYE, as I shall refer to it for the entirety of this blog is a great night to  spend with family and friends.  However, in a world seemingly full of the "happiest" couples, where does the recently single person fit in?

I have asked myself that question many a time.  The thoughts that ran through my mind were silly ones but still thoughts none the less.  I questioned how awkward it would be going to a party alone?  Did my friends/family/co-workers just invite me out of pity?  Will I look like a dork standing there by myself?  What will I do when the clock strikes twelve and I've no one to kiss?

All valid questions and all quite ridiculous.  I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here, but let's get serious.  The last thing most people are going to be worried about are your hang ups on being single.  No one will notice if you aren't kissing someone at midnight, and if they do, the last thing they will think about you is that you are a loser!  That is a lie from the enemy... and in this new season in your life be prepared to encounter a boat load of them.

Single people have existed since the beginning of creation.  Even Adam was single for a time.  From what I've been told, people have also been living happy single lives since then too.  Shocking isn't it?  Has it been so long that you have forgotten what life was like before your begotten?  Again, you are not alone.  Many people fall under the false perception that they cannot go it alone.  That somehow their life has less meaning just because some other earthly being has told them so.  Rubbish, I say, rubbish.  You are a child and heir of the Most High God. No weapon formed against you shall prosper, even an ill-willing spouse!

So... what to do for NYE?  I would love to tell you that I have the answer, but I do not.  I wouldn't tell you even if I thought I did.  Every one of us is different and heal at different rates than others.  I would no longer presume to tell you it's time to move on as I would tell you that the permed look is out; some of you just might not be ready to hear that information just yet.   Lol.

You are going to have to look within yourself, and with the help of the Holy Spirit do what you feel is right for  you.  If that is going to a party with friends or family and taking the chance on meeting a new friend, then I say I pray for you the best.  If it means staying home and watching your favourite comedy to pick up your spirits, I said good for you too!  One is never so happy as when they can be happy in their own presence.  No matter what you do though, usher in this year with the hopes of God's best things for yourself.  After all you deserve it!!

This is the day that life begins...

Ok... a lot of groups have a theme song... so do some people.  I think if I could choose any song to tag to this ministry it would be this one.  I can't take credit for it, it is from the CD "Response" by Phil Wickham.  The following are the lyrics...

This Is The Day - Phil Wickham

Can you hear it?
The gentle voice of the Spirit.
There's no reason to fear It
He's calling you to life.

Just surrender
Run into the arms of the Father
The night is finally over
Take a step into the light

This is the day when the lost are found
This is the day for a new beginning
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
Can you hear all the angels are singing?
This is the day... the day when life begins

Can you see it?
A light shines into the darkness
Bringing hope to the hopeless
It's leading you to life

This is the day
when all your sins are washed away
In the waves of His unending grace
Forever you're alive!

This is the day when the lost are found
This is the day for a new beginning
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
Oh,  can you hear all the angels are singing?
This is the day... the day when life begins.

Have no fear, salvation has come and He is here
Have no fear, salvation has come and He is here
Have no fear... have no fear...

This is the day when the lost are found
This is YOUR beginning
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound?
I can hear the angels sing
This is the day.. .the day when life begins
This is the day... the day when life begins.

Now if that song doesn't inspire you to step out and take that leap of faith, I don't know what will.  My prayer for you my brothers and sisters, who are experiencing the pain and loss of separation and divorce, is that you will find peace this holiday season and the strength within to claim for yourself that "This IS the day, the day that LIFE BEGINS!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-JPR_t45Ms

Pastor Dana-Renee

Guess who's coming to dinner? Loneliness...

Guess who's coming to dinner?  Loneliness... and if you don't keep an eye on him, he just might steal your joy!  

Has the holiday season got you down?  Is it your first Christmas since the separation/divorce?  Or have you weathered a few years just to have this particular holidays season rear it's head to bite you in the behind??  Whether it's your first holiday alone or not... in this blog I hope to share some hints to help you survive this season without pulling out your hair... at least not all of it!!

Christmas has always been a time of great joy in my family.  Times of laughter and love filled in with the miracle birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  It's a time of celebrating life with family and friends and it's meant to celebrate it with others.  However, this year you may find yourself in a new life situation.  Whether you are a parent or not, this time of year can be one of the hardest you will have to face all year.  Parties, songs and Christmas movies only serve as a reminder of how terribly alone you are... or better yet, how alone you feel.  For with Christ, you are never truly alone... but I know what you are going through.  Commercial Christmas has us buying into the dream that there is peace on earth and good will toward men... and that all of the holiday movies finish with that proverbial happy ending.  Life isn't always that simple however, and more often than not, it doesn't end up at all like we had hoped or planned for.  Having said that, it does not mean however that God does not have a sovereign plan at hand.  We just may not be aware of it while focusing on our own pain.

Feelings of depression and loneliness are commonplace this time of year.  Whether it be Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), or just plain old loneliness... the pain that can resonate within is heart wrenching none the less.  Most of us are used to spending the holidays with loved ones, and for those of you who have been married, spending the last number of years with your loving spouse at Christmas may have been some of the happiest times of your life.  So how do you move on?  How do you start new traditions? How do you stop the pain?

I wish I had an easy fix for each and everyone of you who are dealing with the pain of searing loss this holiday season.  I do not.  However, I do have some tips and tricks that might make surviving the holidays a little bit easier.

1)  Make sure you decorate.  This may sound simple, but it's true.  I know first hand what it is like to experience your first holiday soon after a loved one has left, and with the shock still sinking in and in the process of a move, I thought it might just be easier to let the entire holiday season slide and remember it another year.  This only caused a putting off of the inevitable and halted the healing process from continuing.  You see, we all face markers in our life that point to certain stages of growth and moving forward that if we don't work through, can cause set backs in the area that we desire most to move ahead in.

Although I am not asking you to get caught up in the commercial hype of the holidays, I am suggesting that you make sure to recognise the miraculous gift that God gave us in His Son, Christ Jesus.  While you may have no other earthly person to share a gift with this season, you will always have a bounty of gifts from our Heavenly Father.  He is the giver of the greatest gifts and I can assure you that if you allow Him to bless you this holiday season, He will.

2) Have a holly jolly Christmas... and take every single person up on their party invitation.  Right now you may feel as though you just want to curl up in a ball and die, but to you I say arise and put on your garments of praise!  Get out there and share the holidays with family and friends... celebrating the many joys of the season may seem bitter sweet at first, I can assure you, you will be happy that you put on your dancing shoes... so to speak.

The mere action of getting out there and putting yourself in mixed company doesn't mean that you have accepted defeat or are just accepting offerings of sympathies from your friends.  It means that you have been invited out for a reason... your worth as a human being is being validated by the very invitations that you receive.  Having said that though, just because you might not receive invitations to parties, doesn't mean that you aren't still thought of.  Attending your churches banquet, or works Christmas party is just as important.  You are surrounding yourself with people who love you, and that can be one of the most important support systems you will ever encounter.

3)  Start new holiday traditions.  Perhaps you and your loved ones shared a special moment on Christmas Eve, or spent time in getting things ready for the children.   This year you find yourself not wanting to revisiting those traditions as they may evoke feelings of sadness or regret of memories passed.  However, it is healthy to start new holiday traditions for your own peace of mind as well as helping you move on.  This is incredibly important if you do have children.  They will be the first to notice when past traditions are not being followed and will miss out on tremendous blessings if these voids are not filled.  So be sure to look up Holiday Traditions on line if you are not sure of how to come up with a few new ones of your own.  I am sure that you will find a plethora of ideas out there for someone with an open heart, willing to try something new.

4)  Keeping an old family tradition.  Contrary to popular belief... it is ok to keep a family tradition or two from your past relationship.  Whether it is to help yourself, or your child through... whatever the reason that is not that matter.  The matter is that some things are special and whether or not you or your spouse invented the idea, it still may be a great idea and both you and your kids might benefit from the familiarity of it all.

5)  Spend time with your Heavenly Father.  Just like an earthly father would desire the best for his child, just think how much more our Heavenly Father desires even more for you.  Talk with Him, spend time with Him, share with Him the longings of your heart.  Tell Him your secret Christmas wish list and just watch Him surprise you this holiday season.  

Here's to you, the newly single person on this most beautiful of holiday seasons.  I pray God's richest blessing in your life as you experience the miraculous birth of Jesus, and the gift of His saving grace.  After all, Jesus is the reason for the season!