The Stages of Loss- Stage #1 Denial

Loss, it is one of the most painful emotions we can go through.  Especially when it is someone close to us, that we love.  It is even more devastating, some would say, when we know that the one we have lost doesn't see it as loss at all.  They may have already moved on and "won" the failed marriage battle with a new spouse.  That is a pill that can be very hard to swallow.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with the "Five Stages of Grief" while doing research for "On Death and Dying".   We will be taking a brief overview of the five stages today and delve a bit deeper in upcoming blogs.  While I do believe that it is important for most people to walk through all five stages of the grief process, there is no telling how long; and some may even say in what order; you will go through them.  However, when you have the power of Christ in your life... it can be a whole other ball game.  (In a good way, and I will get to this later... keep posted!!)

So what are the "Five Stages of Grief" that Kubler-Ross authored?  Well... they are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.  And as stated above, there is really no set amount of time that one should or should not spend time in.  It is important to remember that every person and every situation is different, and no two people will experience the exact same emotions.  Although many will be similar, especially in the area of separation and divorce.

Denial is not just the name of a river in Egypt, or so I have been told!  I think that some may have different names for this stage, such as shock, disbelief, or disallowance of reality.  Anyway you look at it however, it still can be summed up as denial, or failure to believe what is actually happening.  This can be seen several different ways to the outside onlooker.  Some see the subject as being non-sensical, delusional, out of touch with reality, but it really just comes down to a form of coping mechanism.  Sometimes people don't know how to process grief, whether intentional or not most of us can't bear the pain of losing the love of someone we cared for deeply.

Many people think that divorce is just something that happens every day.  Something that happens to an average of 40% of Canadians (71,000 people) per year as of 2012 (Feldstein Family Law Group).  They figure since death is the ultimate goodbye in life, that somehow divorce can't possibly bring about the same type of emotions experienced in death.  However, if that is what you are saying, you will have many who will disagree with you.  It is quite often thought that divorce grief is even greater than that of death.  The reality that your spouse no longer loves you and is moving on with life is a tough hill to climb.  Most are too weary and not up for the challenge... some never reach the summit.

Being in a state of denial is a survival mechanism.  We may mindlessly find ourselves going through the motions of our life, feeling numb during the process.  It is a natural response to loss and it said to be natures way of helping us pace our feelings of grief.  It is thought that by letting in a little at a time is the body's coping mechanism from keeping us from breaking down completely.

During this stage we may start to question the situation, our spouse, ourselves.  What part did we play?  How did this all come about? Why me? All of this questioning is unknowingly helping us begin the healing process, and as we do so it means that we are slowly moving out of the denial stage and into something completely different.  While we are thinking a little more clearly, some of the things that we are thinking about can bring about an entirely new set of complications... anger management, or lack there of.  Anger to say the least, and that my friends is a whole other bag of nuts.

I mentioned above that there are exceptions to every rule, and if you stay tuned in the following weeks and look for "My Story", I believe that you will see what the wonderful working power of the Lord can do in your life during this tumultuous time.

So what can you do today?  How can you deal with these feelings today?  Give them to God... surrender all of your hurt, your pain and your questions to God.  Look to Him for your healing and in His wings you will find it (Mal.4:2).  Take courage my friends... you really are on the way to an entirely new life, a better one!

That is my prayer for you this day.  Blessings,
Pastor Dana-Renee

Friendships

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts we are given from God.  Not only can we have a friendship relationship with our Heavenly Father, we are also given earthly friends along the way to help us with our journey.  You have read in my previous blogs how important friendship can be during this tumultuous time in your life.  And that's my topic for today.

I have made a few really good friends since my husband left me, although unfortunately we all met because we found ourselves in the same separation and divorce boat.  One of my dear friends Ken is like a big brother to me.  He is also teasing me and teaching me with his tough love.  But like a big brother he challenges me because I believe as a friend he cares for me, and he wants to see me grow and get through this time with  a little less bruising.

When I am feeling down, unworthy, unloved and utterly alone, Ken is always there to kick my butt and slap me atop the head, which always seems to bring me back to reality.  I have told him time and time again that sometimes his button pushing irks me to the highest... so he told me to get rid of the buttons and wear zippers instead.  At first I laughed about it and told him I would, but later that night, I really thought about that.  If I didn't allow buttons to be pushed, they wouldn't be.  

I have to renew my mind daily and mentally choose to think on positive and heavenly things. Our Father gave us so many promises in His Word that there should never be a need for us to feel down.  But I know you are  saying, "But I still feel alone and heart broken, even though I know God's promises and I know He loves me", and I hear you.  I asked those questions all the time, and sometimes still do.  As human beings we were made to be with others.  That is why God fashioned Eve from Adam.  He did not think it was good for man to be alone.  However, the Father desires that same relationship with us.  He yearns that we turn to Him for everything.  We are to "cast all of our cares upon Him, for He careth for you" (1 Pet. 5:7).  He wants us to talk to Him, cry out to Him, find healing in Him.  He wants our friendship.

Once we are able to establish that relationship with Christ, I honestly believe we are healthy and ready to take on new relationships with friends and renew old ones.  If we don't have things right with God and have Him heal those wounds of our heart...we will never find what we are looking for in another human being.  Only God can heal those wounds and only God can fill you with the joy and peace that you are so earnestly looking for.

Having said that, I do believe that it's a good idea to get a great circle of friends around you.  During this kind of loss, family may act differently to what you expect them to.  Instead of rallying together for you, they tend to pull away.  They are not sure what to say to you, how to "handle" you.  When someones spouse dies there are always lots of people around to comfort you and offer you kind words of encouragement.  When your spouse leaves, so do most of your friends.  They don't know what to say to you, and tend to feel like the need to walk on eggshells around you.

Many feel alienated from friends and family during this time.  Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines alienation  as "a withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from a position of former attachment."  In separation and divorce, you are not only alienated from your former mate, but also from relatives, friends and sometimes even the church.

A lot of friends leave for many reasons, but the most hurtful is because some of them secretly think that you were to blame for the failure of your marriage.  I tell many of my friends all the time to watch what they tell people, because most don' t care and the rest just use it as the next topic at their weekly "gossip" sessions.    And don't kid yourself... there are plenty a Christian man AND woman willing to talk behind your back and wonder what really went wrong.  Pay those kind of friends no attention.  Don't get me wrong though, there are many friends who ARE willing to lend a shoulder!!

Surround yourself with like minded people.  Surround yourself with people who know what you are going through, because no one knows the kind of hurt, devastation and loss that comes along with a divorce.      Surround yourself with family who want to help you, friends who want to help you.  The kind of friends who edify you and kick your butt when you want to wallow in self pity.

I may have joked about the way my friend Ken pushes my buttons, but I know he does it because he cares, and he only wants me to make it through this to the joy at the other side.  I am thankful for my friends and help fight the feelings of alienation and isolation by including them in my healing process.  I pray that God sends you a wonderful group of friends to help you through this trying time!

Many blessings,
Pastor Dana-Renee

The Pits in Life

Feel like the pits?  Feel like you fallen into one?  Feel like you are never going to make it out of that pit alive?

You are not the first person!

When I was interning as a children's pastor while in Brockville, we sang a VBS song that still sticks with me to this day.  The song was called "Let's go from the Pit to the Palace".  And that my friends is the topic I would like to speak to you about today.

Let's take a look at the story of Joseph and glean from the pages of our Heavenly Father's Word to learn all that we can about what it is really like to feel like the pits!  Joseph was literally thrown into a pit by his brothers, leaving his own father to believe him for dead.  Joseph was given a dream destiny, so how could this have happened?  We will look at that a bit further ahead.  For right now, I want to focus on how we seem to get ourselves into these pits.

Why as Christians do we often find ourselves in pits?  I believe that it's because we live in a sinful world.  They are the by product of a fallen world.  Jesus says in John 16:33, "In the world you will have tribulation".  Some pits are just a part of life.  You didn't ask to be thrown into one, but because we live in a world that is corrupt with sin, it is a side effect of that consequence.

You have heard me say that playing the blame game is helpful to no one, except maybe when we can take ownership of our own actions.  It is the same when we are trying to figure out a reason as to why we have fallen into this pit in life.  It didn't happen by mistake... God doesn't make mistakes.  Time to suck it up butter cup... we made a wrong turn somewhere!

We have to understand the reason we are in this place is because of the problems within our own heart.  Joseph had envious brothers who wanted him dead and that is why they threw him in the pit and a lot of you could say that it was their fault that he found himself there.  However, that is not the case.  Joseph was being tested and due to his pride he found himself in the pit.  You may feel as though all is lost when you find yourself in a pit, but if you call out to God, He will restore you.

When you fall into a pit, the enemy is quickly there to feed your mind with lies.  Lies that will make you feel belittled, unworthy, hopeless, unloved and not wanted.  He will be there at all times trying to prove to you that you are right where you ought to be.  He will even use the Lord as tool to bring you down.  He will try and tell you that God has forgotten about your, or left you.  But we know that is not true for the word of God tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5).  He will tell you that God no longer cares about you, loves you, or wants you to step out of this pit.  Don't believe these lies, as that is all that they are.  Find your identity in Christ and call out to the Lord with humility of heart and you will be restored.  We are commanded to resist him (James 4:7).  What a good God we serve!

One thing to remember also is that the enemy even uses evidence to convince us of his lies.  That is how Joseph's father came to believe that his son was dead.  When Joseph's brothers threw him in the pit, they took his precious coat of colours, soaked it with animal blood and brought it back to his father.  So with the coat and the lies of his brothers, the enemy was able to plant seeds of doubt and lies so that his father would believe Joseph was killed by animals.  The enemy is not stupid, he knows how our fears work and how best to prey on them.  Be careful of your words, not only man can use them against you!!

One thing you must understand is that there is a huge difference from the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the accusatory nature of satan.  Conviction comes from the Lord, He does not accuse.  It gives us hope, not despair.

Every single one of us may fall into a pit at some point in our lives.  The question we must answer is are we going to allow ourselves to stay there and die, or pick up our cross and walk daily?  We are destined to go from "the pit to the palace", who would think a simple children's song could hold such truths??  What a creative and loving God we have!!

Blessings,

Pastor Dana-Renee

*Personal study notes and devotions from Roger Morris

Friendship and Loving...

Just a short note for you all today... just something that is weighing heavily on my heart.

Sometimes in life there are things I just don't understand. More often than not, I am confused about the way people act, or don't act for that matter. Life and loving should not be so hard. We are commanded to do it! Sometimes you just want to bless someone, but it's like they don't want the hassle. Which one of us is really at the point where they are so loved they couldn't stand anymore?? I doubt anyone. Friendships are a blessing, and when someone offers it, who are we to turn it away? I pray that I never get to that point. I'll take all the love I can get!